


"Hold my hand so he gets jealous."

by Livelovelupin



Series: Tumblr Drabbles :)) [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Fake/Pretend Relationship, James is just the best, Jealous Sirius, M/M, matchmaking James
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-25
Updated: 2020-07-25
Packaged: 2021-03-06 00:00:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,989
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25513930
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Livelovelupin/pseuds/Livelovelupin
Summary: written for prompt number 142 fromthislist!
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Series: Tumblr Drabbles :)) [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1892131
Comments: 12
Kudos: 179





	"Hold my hand so he gets jealous."

“You could always **hold my hand so he gets jealous.”**

Remus, very gracefully, choked on his orange juice. It was way too early in the morning to hear a sentence like that. It was, also, way too early in the morning for Sirius to be shoving his tongue down Thomas’ throat. Days were _not_ supposed to start off this way.

“Pardon me?”

James grinned. “Oh, stop. I’m a little disgusted right now, and I’d much rather witness you trying to swallow Sirius’ face instead of watching—”

“Stop talking, James,” Remus mumbled, watching his spoon pick up some oatmeal and dropping it again. He didn’t feel particularly hungry. He wanted to go to his bed and sulk till tomorrow or the day after (or until Sirius and Thomas decide to break up. That’s sounded about right.)

James hummed. “That’s weird.”

Remus tried to ignore him.

“Whenever I bring this up, you’re always like, ‘Me? I could never like him or his named-after-a-star ass. How could you suggest such a—’”

Remus’ spoon clattered. “James! People can—”

“Honestly! Just—” James yanked Remus’ hand into his, and kept both their hands under the table, “hold—my—hand.”

James’ hand was rough and sweaty, and Remus didn’t want to be holding it, at all. “James. Kindly let go of my hand.”

James didn’t reply to Remus. He picked up his spoon and acted like nothing was wrong.

“James, I’m really not in the mood today.”

“Will you stop moaning! Just, trust the process, baby. Trust me.”

Remus sighed. He would be holding James’ hand all throughout breakfast, apparently. Lucky him. “Your hand is fucking sweaty, James.”

“I know!” James exclaimed loudly. A few people turned their way to see what was going on, and Remus saw a gaze or two linger on their intertwined hands under the table. Remus turned scarlet. James didn’t seem to notice. “I have hyperhidrosis. I keep meaning to see Madam Pomfrey about it. Sometimes my hands sweat so much it drips down to my elbows.”

“I didn’t need to know that, Jamie,” Remus said, trying to get his spoon to his mouth, except his right hand was in James’ and he could only use his left. The spoon fell from his hand, and he groaned. “Can I at least eat, James?”

James grinned.

“Why are you smili— _James!”_ Remus shrieked around a mouthful of cereal that James had _spoonfed_ him. It was too early for _that_.

James winked. “All you have to do is ask next time, baby,” said James, in an obnoxiously loud voice. Remus could see Sirius staring at the both of them from the side of his eye a few seats away, and he didn’t necessarily mind it.

Huh.

“Your cereal’s soggy, James.”

“I like it that way. Makes it easier to swallow.”

“I don’t think you register the things you say aloud sometimes, James,” Remus said, eating a spoonful of cereal that James offered him again.

“As if!” James said, beaming. “That’s Sirius you seem to be talking about. Sirius who’s really interested in his hands. _The Process,_ Remus. You need to trust the process.”

Remus rolled his eyes. “Don’t you have Quidditch practice?”

“I do,” James said, untangling his hand from Remus’. Remus immediately wiped his hand on his leg. And James snorted. "I know. Come with me to Pomfrey after lunch? We could pretend it was a date. Or a scandalous getaway, if you'd rather."

Remus laughed. He was already feeling a hundred times lighter than he did before. "Of course, James."

"You should really ask him out, mate," James said. "You're both so miserable."

"I thought we should trust _the process_?" Remus asked, exaggerating the last two words.

James raised an eyebrow, grinning. "If you'd rather, then sure. See you at lunch, Re." James said, and before getting up, he kissed Remus' cheek and winked. 

Remus wasn't expecting that, and his cheeks were burning, but he heard a spoon clatter down the table that he just _knew_ was Sirius, and suddenly lunchtime couldn’t come fast enough. 

**…**

“What a fucking low blow, James,” Sirius said as soon as Remus closed their dorm room door. James tried not to grin too big. He really did.

“You need to specify, Sirius, love, because I—“

“Since when do you like Remus?”

Oh, James was so going to milk this until he absolutely _couldn’t_. “I’m not so sure. These things hit you suddenly, don’t they? I don’t know how I’ve never noticed Moons like that before. But now I suddenly do, and it’s all I’ve been able to think about. Have you seen his eyes, Sirius? Have you?”

Sirius’ mouth was slightly open. He closed it quickly. “If you only knew,” he mumbled under his breath. He stood abruptly, walking across their dorm room to sit next to James on his bed. He put his hands on James’ knees. “Lily! Lily, remember her, James? Love of your life since Christmas of first year? The reason you’re celibate? Red hair, really annoyingly pretty green eyes?”

James sighed, trying to look disappointed. He was spreading the ointment Madam Pomfrey gave him and Remus on his hands, and he stayed silent for a second too long. “Well, I’m not so sure that’s going to happen anytime soon. I need to move on, right? Or so you’ve told me—” James gave Sirius a pointed stare, “—one thousand and one times. And hey, at least Remus has annoyingly pretty green eyes, as well, yeah?”

Sirius shook his head. “Definitely not ‘yeah’. Absolutely not.”

“Remind me why it matters to you, again?”

“Because we’re a group!” Sirius bit his lip. “This will ruin our dynamic, Prongs, think of that!”

James raised an eyebrow. “I’m sure it won’t. You dating Thomas didn’t ruin our dynamic, did it?” It absolutely did ruin their dynamic. James maybe saw Sirius two times since he started going out with Thomas two weeks ago. It was almost like Sirius was trying to prove a point. Thinking about it now, he probably _was_ trying to prove a point. Like Remus was that morning.

 _Idiots, the both of them,_ James thought.

“That’s besides the point. I broke up with Thomas anyway.”

“What? When did that happen?”

“Today, after Potions.”

“And why’d you do that?”

“He broke up with me.” Sirius shrugged.

James furrowed his eyebrows. He wasn’t sure if Sirius was serious or not. “You don’t break up with someone _after_ they break up with you. You’ve already been dumped at that point, love.”

Sirius rolled his eyes, pinching James' knee. “Oh, whatever. As if I care if stupid Thomas dumps me.”

“Well, I’m sorry about that anyway.”

Sirius scoffed. “Don’t! And stop going out with Remus, okay? I didn’t even know you liked boys.”

“I do,” James said, truthfully. He’s been meaning to talk to Sirius about this for a while, and what better time than the present? “And girls, too.”

Sirius met his eyes. “You’re bi?”

“I prefer pan as labels go,” said James, biting his lip. “But yeah. Cool?”

Sirius grinned. “Of course, dumbass. Thank you for telling me, Jamie.”

“Well,” James grinned even bigger, “thank you for being there to tell.”

“Still. Can you go out with anyone else?”

What seemed very interesting to James was how Sirius never once said that he didn’t want James dating Remus because _he_ wanted to date Remus. He only said he didn’t want it to “ruin their dynamic”, which was such horseshit. James wasn’t going to back down until Sirius admitted to liking Remus, which, honestly, with how he was acting now, James thought would take a fucking minute.

James didn’t mind, though. “I don’t think I can, Sirius. Being kissed by Remus Lupin is something else. You—”

Sirius started coughing. He choked on practically nothing. “What?”

James bit the inside of his cheek. He was trying really hard to focus on his hands and not lose it. “Well, you know. We shouldn’t kiss and tell and everything, but I kind of want to tell, Padfoot.”

Sirius cleared his throat. “Remus is a good kisser?”

“The best,” James said, licking his lips. He didn’t know if Remus was a good kisser or not. If he had to guess, he’d say that Remus definitely was. It was always the quiet ones, after all. “It’s always the quiet ones, eh?”

“Yeah,” Sirius mumbled absentmindedly, not looking at James anymore. He took James' hand in his, suddenly, and immediately backed away. Some of the foul-smelling paste was on his hand too, now.

“What the fuck is that again, James?” He asked, wiping his hand on James’ bedsheets.

“Oi! Don’t spoil my bedsheets you—“

“It smells disgusting, James,” Sirius said as he smelt his hand.

“I probably prefer the sweaty hands, actually,” James mumbled thoughtfully. It did smell rather bad.

“Huh?”

“Oh, nothing,” James said. He needed to sell this. “Wanna know where Remus and I went for lunch?” Remus and he were sitting on one of the infirmary beds at lunchtime, sharing a juice box and the Turkey sandwiches James stole from the great hall, while Madam Pomfrey was mixing medicinal herbs and exotic plants for James’ hands. James, however, would talk to Sirius about a hidden-in-the-dark make out session, about how Remus was such an amazing kisser, how they made plans for—

“James,” Sirius began, taking James’ hand in his again. He either didn’t care about the disgusting paste anymore, or his dislike for it was outweighed by something else. “James. Listen to me. It’s very immoral of you to date Remus only until you get to Lily. Like he’s some kind of... temporary place holder.” Sirius shook his head. “It’s not okay. Very unethical, James.”

“Okay, mister morality,” James scoffed, taking his hand out of Sirius’. “Isn’t that exactly what you were doing dating Thomas?”

Sirius blinked, running his hand through his hair. His hand that was just in James’. Suddenly, his hair was full of brown chunks. He gagged. “James!”

James couldn’t take it anymore. “Would you please get over your fucking self and ask Remus out already? Are you a ‘temporary place holder’ Gryffindor, too? “Where dwell the brave at heart” my fucking ass. Godric would be so damned disappointed by you, Sirius.”

Sirius’ mouth was slightly open. He looked like he wanted to say a plethora of things but he didn’t know where to start. He cleared his throat. “You— but what about... don’t you like Remus?”

James pinched the bridge of his nose. “I swear I might go out with him out of spite, now.”

“No!” Sirius said, then he cleared his throat. “No. I— I’ll ask him out. Are you not actually into—“

“That part was true, dumbass. I’m not an asshole.”

“Well. Who was your sexual awakening, then? Was it Remus? I feel like Remus is everyone’s sexual awakening.”

“He is very likable, isn’t he?”

“Tell me about it,” Sirius murmured, shaking his head. “It’s annoying.”

“Charming, you mean.”

“That, too, I guess, ” Sirius said, smiling slightly. “So, it was Remus?”

James shook his head. “Is this a safe space?”

Sirius snorted. “Sure.”

“Your brother.”

“ _What_?”

“This is a safe space, remember?”

Sirius scoffed. “Screw your safe space. You like Regulus?”

“Hey. Stop shoving words down my throat. I never said—“

“But— but why not me? I’m objectively the hotter brother, James.”

James rolled his eyes. “And modest, too. Go to Remus before I steal him away from you.”

“Yeah, you’re right, I should— I’m going to— yeah.” Sirius got up, and just before he opened the door, he turned around. “You didn’t— you and Remus didn’t really make out, yeah?”

James smirked, winking. “I don’t know. You better ask him to be sure.”

The hex Sirius sent James’ way didn’t even hurt all that much, and when both Remus and Sirius winked discreetly in James’ direction when they came back two full hours later, he smiled. James could get used to matchmaking, for sure.


End file.
